Once I had a little one, life became more difficult. And not just in the ways you'd expect. Yes, there are sleep-deprived nights, toddler tantrums (story of my life recently, it seems), and TONS of anxiety. For me, it's not just anxiety about Trafton. That's where most of it originates- Trafton's schedule, his naps, his behavior, etc. But also anxiety about myself:
- My role as a mother....am I nurturing enough? Do I lose my cool too quickly? Am I going to make it with a toddler and an infant?!
Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him. (Psalm 127:3)
Lord, thank you for this gift, this reward. I pray for patience and wisdom to appreciate my children and let them teach ME. And if I look clueless while I'm at it, oh well.
- My role as a wife...do I truly love my husband the way that he deserves? Do I love him the way that the Lord wants me to? Sometimes I feel like I'm doing the best I can, and other days I fail miserably at this. Chris and I are such separate souls; at times, it is hard to understand each other and move forward. Somehow, though, God weaves us together to carry out the jobs He has for our family. So I may not succeed as a wife each day, but I am trying. (And Chris has endless patience with me.)
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor. If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. (Eccles. 4:9-10)
- My role as a believer...am I putting God first, before all my own selfishness, before all of my own insecurities? During our service today, I was struck by the pastor's underlying message. He encouraged us that the Lord looks at more than outward appearances. Using 1 Samuel 16:1-13, he spoke of a prophet named Samuel who is called to anoint the next king. God directs him to the sons of Jesse, all of which appear physically flawless. Strong and beautiful, but NOT the ones that God has chosen. Then here comes David, the "runt" of all Jesse's sons. Despite his small stature and bright-eyed naivety, Samuel immediately acknowledges him as the next king. God reminds him,
Looks aren't everything....God judges differently than humans do. Men and women look at the face; God looks into the heart. (1 Samuel 16:7)
For someone who has long-standing issues with appearance, this was like a smack in the face (a good smack). I've seen his verse before, and I have grown up hearing such advice. "Don't judge a book by it's cover", etc. I don't want to get into details, but I have battled certain demons for half of my life. Demons that swim in my insecurities and twist any and everything to bring me down. My body image has always been poor. For a while, I just plain lost control. There's not really a better way to explain it. I had no trouble loving others who were different; it didn't matter what they looked like. But when it came to myself, I was an awful critic. Slowly, I've learned that God really does judge us differently.
In regards to money and material things, my father-in-law used to say "You can't take it with you". Meaning, when we meet Jesus, we won't be packing a fat wallet. I think this applies to our bodies as well. Our bodies are a shell for our souls. When we meet Jesus, we won't be showing off our muscular, skinny physique. Nope, He's going to look deeper. He's going to ask us to consider the work and the service that we've done for Him. I could weight 1,000 pounds and have a mustache and one eye. But if I'd loved others and given my life for God's glory?
"Right on, my child," He's going to say. "I'm proud of you and you have succeeded."
I may be a hot mess by the world's standards, but I am a beautiful mess according to His.
