Monday, December 24, 2012

Christmas Eve

Best parts of today:

- Realizing that I am stronger than I thought: woke up sicker than yesterday, and I knew Christopher had to go to work. Two kids, a cold, and rainy weather are no fun, but we made it. Watched movies, played games, and snuggled.

- Seeing my son's heart and loving it: I teared up while talking to Chris on the phone. (It's hard enough to be away from your love for 24 hrs; try being sick and being away from him on Christmas Eve. Boo.) Trafton ran over to me and, no kidding, this is what he said: "Hey, Mama! Hey!" (big smile on his face) "Better! Try!" (hands on my face, then gives me a hug).

- Loving the generosity of others: My sweet neighbor stopped by today with cookies that she had made. They were delish and it was so nice to see another smiling (adult) face.

- Walking outside to find stillness and peace: I went to get the mail and it was foggy and quiet outside. Truly, I couldn't hear anything. I thought about Mary and Joseph on their trek to have the baby Jesus. Christmas is different now, as an adult and as a mother. Yes, it's lost some of it's worldly magic (Santa, reindeer, etc.) but it's so deeply meaningful. This is the day that God chose to give us Christ; He let Mary give birth to this little baby who would save us. He gave us Jesus, even though He already knew what heartbreak lay ahead. 

In the wake of the Connecticut shootings and now the disaster in New York, I personally believe that some people are missing the point. Gun control, mental health struggles, lack of quality parenting...everyone wants to blame someone or something. Truly, these things need to be addressed. But these are not the root of the problem. I believe that our country needs a shift, or a moral revolution. We need to follow the Lord's example and be willing to sacrifice for others. We need to stop and listen, to feel for direction before we react. Fortunately for us, God gives us Jesus this Christmas. He serves as our shining light in this dark world...

Shine Your light so all can see it
Lift it up, 'cause the whole world needs it
Love has come, what joy to hear it
He has overcome
He has overcome

(David Crowder)

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Random thoughts, part 2

What is it with perfume/cologne commercials?! And it seems to get twice as bad during the holiday season. Am I supposed to desperately wish for a bottle of your perfume because there are half naked, modelesque people in your ad who gaze longingly at one another and/or roll around in ocean waves? Or should I rush out and buy something because Britney Spears experiences a life-changing "vision" with her soul mate on the other side of the hotel wall?? I just can't stand the cheesiness.

You know one thing that I love about the holidays (other than the birth of our savior, fires in the fireplace, and gift-giving)? Food with friends. Wonder who the first person was to ask a friend to share a meal. I ate lunch with a dear one today and it's so good for my spirit. Maternity leave has a way of making you feel trapped and antisocial at times. LOVE my babes, but it's nice to get out once in a while. I remember being excited about a trip to CVS after having Trafton; I actually called a best friend on the way and told her how thrilled I was about making the five-minute trek to the drug store.

Stories that I've heard all my life have taken on a new meaning. Trafton's new favorite book is "Piggies!" or The True Story of the Three Little Pigs. If you haven't read it, it's written by the Wolf. He basically excuses himself from any wrongdoing by explaining that he had a cold and was sneezing (hence, "huff and puff"). He goes on to tell readers that he was making a cake and ran out of sugar (thus, he visited his neighbors, who happen to be pigs). I have read this book many times, but to read it with my son is hilarious. He loves for me to read with different voices for each character, and he has learned the story. He anticipates certain parts, and looks at me expectantly right before one of his favorites. He belly-laughs and squeals. I would read it all day long if he wanted to.

Once again, I am reminded of how old I am :) I have a shopping hangover this morning. Seriously felt like I was back in college last night. My saint of a husband stayed at home with another hubby, while his wife and I went to Christmas shop. Well, except we wound up finding great deals for ourselves. We eventually got around to finishing our holiday shopping. About 11:00, when we finished shopping, we went through the drive through at McDonalds. It felt like I was in college again; when I returned home, I snapped back into mommy-mode as Chamblee needed to be fed at 1:30 am. Spent some quiet time with my girl and finally went to bed at 3:00. This morning came EARLY!


*************************************************************************************

All the randomness aside, I heard of the Connecticut shootings  as I drove home from visiting my parents. My first thought? Sickening nausea and a sinking heart for all of those parents. Second thought? If we could afford it, I would keep my babies at home and teach them myself.

So many folks are advocating stricter gun laws and citing that as the reason this happened. Some think that if this young man did not get his hands on a gun, this could have been prevented. Unfortunately, Satan is crafty and this would have transpired despite what our country's laws dictate. Evil is abundant and it is HEART-BREAKING and terrifying. Guns can be completely outlawed and folks will still get their hands on weapons. Drugs are illegal and people still seem to find plenty of them to use. My husband asserts his right to protect our home and our family- through prayer, love, and perhaps owning a gun; the situation in Connecticut makes me agree.

Dear Lord- we ask you to wrap your ginormous arms around all the parents of those sweet slain babies. And pour your love on the families of the teachers who protected their little ones. Give comfort to the first responders who witnessed horrific evil and proceeded bravely nonetheless. Help us all remember that you are SOVEREIGN. These sweet souls are angels- dear ones that help the rest of us realize how precious life is and how we can only depend on You. We love you, God. Amen.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Random thoughts from today

I have decided that my dream job would be to act on Sesame Street. Not as a puppet, but as one of the real people who live in the cool, brick apartments and hang out with Elmo and Cookie Monster all day. And sing/dance with all the musicians and actors who visit the neighborhood. If you have a young child, you know exactly what I'm referring to. Like that "1, 2, 3, 4 chickens just back from the shore!" jam. Or the episode where 3 of the monsters become robots that transform into shapes, all while two human guys dance in the background. Please tell me that I'm not the only one...

Along those same lines, Chris and I have realized that we are old. Our wild nights consist of jamming to Fresh Beat Band DVDs with our two year old (is it sick that we know all the songs?!) and having a beer in our pajamas (if we don't fall asleep first). Or, instead of going out, we play hide and seek with our son and run laps around the downstairs. He tells us where to hide and then squeals with delight when he "finds" us. Sometimes I get more laughs from watching him than I would from being around other adults.

I love where we live. I grew up in Columbia- not exactly a big city, but also not the country. Growing up, I assumed that we owned "tons" of land. Then I met Christopher. And I visited his mama's house. Holy moly. It's cool that we have shopping and grocery stores galore very nearby, but we also have wild animals roaming around and room for my son to ride. Chris came in today and informed me that there was a dead deer in the backyard. He went on to tell me that Petey was covered in blood, so "don't let him in the house cause I don't wanna clean that up". Um, okay. Ten years ago, I would have cried and freaked out....a DEAD animal? Blood all over my dog?! But, living with a hunter and 3 large dogs, I have quickly learned that animals have instincts and things die. I've also learned to appreciate that my dogs have a fierce desire to protect the line between our home and the rest of the world. If something crosses that line, good luck to it.


Christmas shopping is a different adventure nowadays. With a two year old boy and a fussy infant, going to peruse the aisles at Target is no longer a leisurely activity. Exciting, yes, but not the thrill that I used to get out of finding a cute outfit or the perfect gift for someone. Nope, now it consists of:
1. creating my grocery list to coincide with the aisles at the store. I list my produce first, then canned goods, and milk products last. Is it sad that I know the layout of the store?!
2. grabbing a shirt quickly as I push past it- the clothes that I get to look at are usually on sale and next to the aisle. I'll try it on later. And if I need to return it? No problem. I'll be back in a few days for more diapers or formula :)
3. Keeping my kiddos happy and as quiet as possible. At times, I give up this goal while my son sings, squeals, or talks to every lady in sight.


Finally, having Chamblee has made me appreciate and admire Trafton in a different way. I now see him in a whole new light. He is still my firstborn, my baby. But he's growing up and he is a fabulous big brother. I could hold him and nuzzle his chubby cheeks all day long. But, at the same time, I know that I can ask him to help me around the house. He is talking up a storm, and I feel an even deeper connection with him now that we can communicate verbally. Some of his newest words:

Peas (Please)
Tank Ku (Thank you)
(He knew and used these in sign language before, but now he is saying them.)
Okay
Nah Nacks (Fruit snacks)
All Ton (All done)
Yeyow (Yellow)
Regos (Legos)

The other day, Chamblee was especially fussy and we were loading things up to go run errands. (We have so many bags, coolers, etc. that it looks like going on vacation. While Chris and I were busy running around, she quieted down in her car seat. We looked over, and big brother had given her the paci. He was rocking the car seat and saying "Hey Bebe, Heeeeyyyy!" in his sweet voice. I am one blessed mama.





Wednesday, November 28, 2012

That time of year

So...it's that time of year again. Everyone is posting what they are thankful for. Soon, we'll start to hear aspirations for the new year. I re-read my post from last year and the hopes I had for 2012:

I want to lose some weight (or gain some weight, depending on what God's plan may be for our family!).

I want to join a church! Chris and I have been searching and we are past ready.

I would like to learn more about the Old Testament.

I want to love other people.

I want to forgive and move on.


The first is my favorite! Definitely went with 'gain'. Praise Him for my daughter! I'll gladly gain a few extra pounds to be a mother of two. My first postpartum workout was yesterday. I feel like I got hit by a bus today. But I feel a sense of newness and purpose, which I am thankful for. Maybe this year I'll lose a few pounds...

The second was accomplished! Chris and I finally found a church to call home. Praise Him!

Definitely learned more about the Old Testament this year. Our pastor spent a few months studying the books of Samuel, so that peaked my interest.

As for the last two goals, I HOPE that I accomplished these. I am human, so of course it's a daily battle.

***********************************************************************************

This year, I am thankful for a long list of people and other blessings...

Thankful for my family and several weeks at home to adjust, grow, and snuggle together. Thankful for a safe birth and the blessings of recovery and strength following a C section.

Thankful for my mom and my dad. Over the past several years, I have come to an intense realization: I would not be where I am or be the person that I am if it weren't for them. They are, hands down, the most amazing, beautiful, generous souls that I know. I researched the different types of love and here's what I learned: my parents are a shining example of "AGAPE" love. It means selfless, altruistic love. Sacrificing one's self to help another.

Thankful that I live with and love my best friend in the world. Conversation is not always easy, but honesty flows between us. I am so grateful to be married to someone who forgives easily.

Thankful that my son (and soon, my daughter!) are cared for and loved on by wonderful, godly ladies. Trafton spends time with Miss Angela and his Amma during the week. We know that he is encouraged and protected by both of them. When we drop him off in the morning, these ladies offer the best gift you can give a worried mama: PEACE.

It may sound silly, but thankful for a washing machine and a dishwasher. (I seriously think we run both on a daily basis!) Grateful for a home to call ours, and yard for my furry kids to run in. Thankful for the ability to buy groceries, medicine, and clothes.

Thankful for God's promises- He promises that He will sustain us and carry us through. Thankful for His whispers and soft nudges, and for His direction.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Night and Day

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name


I love this Matt Redman song. During my C-section, I recited this song over and over in my brain. And not because I'd heard it recently or because someone had been singing it before me. I felt as if the Lord gave this song to me that morning; He allowed me to concentrate on HIM- not on the scary, painful thing I was going through.

Now, sitting at home next to my daughter, I was just listening to this song. And this is the first time I've ever noticed this part:

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes.


So I'm not exactly a night owl. I can't seem to stay up very late and I definitely don't do well when I'm woken in the middle of the night. Actually, things can get downright nasty when I'm really tired and my ugly shows. Hence, I am not the most pleasant person at 3:00 am, stumbling to get a bottle or change a diaper. But once the sun rises? I'm okay. Once my son starts his morning routine (wake, talk/sing in bed, wrestle with his stuffed dog), I am awake and I don't seem to have near as much trouble dealing with it. Chris has affectionately nicknamed me "Hyde"...think Jekyll and Hyde....yeah. He's not far off.

I heard the lyrics about "a new day dawning" and the first part describes me: once my little family wakes and I have a cup of coffee, I feel ready to face the day and sing His praises. I love the last line, though: Let me be singing when the evening comes. I have to remember that there is a huge purpose behind the 3:00 am wakings, the grumpiness, the dirty diapers, the crying. There is a purpose behind the worry, the loneliness, the hurt, the brokenness, whatever we are feeling. No matter what the "evening" is for us, there is a purpose behind the darkness and it WILL pass. I am to worship Him in spite of all of that, but sometimes it's so hard. I need to sing anytime- day OR night- because I am BLESSED.




Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Chamblee

Yesterday, Chamblee was able to meet her great-grandfather in Clemson. Being named after his wife, this was a special moment for our family. Tiger Paw (our nickname for her great-granddaddy) was clearly happy and proud as he held her little frame in his arms. I was a proud mama too- excited that I could give this moment to him. And THRILLED that my daughter gets to carry the name of such a spicy, beautiful soul.
                                                           Love Tiger Paw's face here!

After we left his house, we stopped by Mema's gravestone to visit. I snapped a quick picture of Chamblee's namesake, the "C" being for Chamblee.
On the way home, I glanced back at the pics that I had taken. You know what I love? That the date of Mema's death cannot be seen in this picture. I did not touch the flowers there or rearrange at all. Our physical bodies might expire but our souls live on in remarkable ways. Looking at this picture, it felt as if God wanted us to see that her spirit lives on. And it lives on inside of my DAUGHTER!

Monday, November 5, 2012

Broken

We are now a family of FOUR! It's been a difficult week, but a beautiful week. Prior to meeting Miss Chamblee, I got my hopes up about a potential "VBAC". (Vaginal Birth after Caesarean, for all the males out there that may read this. My brother is probably cringing now. Ha!)

Chamblee made her way down, or she "dropped" as everyone says, by 38 weeks. I was dilated just a tad, so naturally I started to think maybe I had a chance. With Trafton, I spent 20-something hours in labor, only to discover that my body just would not go further on its own. Trafton had turned his little head, and his stubby nose would not come down the birth canal. I can laugh about it now, but at the time it was devastating and scary to hear that I would go through major surgery (awake, nonetheless!) after laboring for so long.

When I heard that I was dilated with Chamblee, I started to hope. I went for a last-minute check the day before our scheduled surgery. Unfortunately, there was no change or progression. I didn't immediately burst into tears (pat myself on the back!) but I did get in the car and sink. My first thought? "Why am I broken, God?" Nothing seems to work right on me. As a woman, there are certain things that I would like to be able to do; giving birth the natural way is one of them. The whole way home, I threw myself a pity par-tay. I knew there was a good chance that a second Csection would be necessary. But when my body starting progressing on its own, I felt a surge of hope.

When I pulled into the garage, Petey (our adopted pit bull) ran up to me. My first thought was gratitude- thank you, God, for letting this work out and letting us adopt this dog. And the next second? It was as if I heard God whisper, "Your HEART works. And that's what matters." I guess Petey was a nice reminder from the Lord that I do work- I'm not entirely "broken". I'm following my heart and following Him.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Family of Four

In less than a week, I will have a daughter. And a husband and a son. What?! I am having a difficult time wrapping my head around that idea. Folks keep asking me if I am ready. Hmm, pretty sure you can look at me and tell I'm ready. I look like I'm about to give birth to a bowling ball. My usual answer? "As ready as can be". I learned the first time around: there is no way to be ready for motherhood. There's no way to prepare for the tortuous night wakings, diaper rash, or milk allergies (let's hope not!). And there's no way to prepare for the indescribable OBSESSION that you instantly feel for your little one, the unconditional admiration that you feel when you look at your family and realize "God has given them to me".

Sure, we have her nursery prepared. Her tiny clothes have been washed (some of them....we still have a generous pile of new outfits, thanks to our precious family and friends!) and we have shopped for essentials. We have a hospital plan and we've arranged for Trafton to be loved on while we are in the hospital. It's a whole different ball game with a toddler in the mix....I remember not wanting to leave the hospital when he was born. "What? You mean I have to go home and the nurses aren't coming with me? I can't just lay in bed and have you wheel the baby in next to me?" This time around, I know I'll be anxious to go home and be with my little man.

I've made long-term substitute plans for school. I've met with parents regarding their children and I've tried to get my ducks in a row. All of the expected preparations have been made. What I did not expect was the feeling of God drawing me close to Him. A friend of mine asked me a couple of weeks ago if I was okay after I spent a few minutes with her. She said I just didn't seem like myself. I had a hard time explaining to her. I feel like I am being drawn inward, like the Lord is focusing me for what's to come. I think he is reminding me that NO ONE can comfort like He can; no one knows when this little one will come except for Him. Clinging to the words of this song from church...

Won't you lead me to the rock
That's high...higher than I
Cause I am not able
To stand on my own
I am not capable
Of living all alone...
My soul finds rest in YOU alone
Cause you are my refuge,
You're my strong tower
Against the enemy
Cause you are greater, greater than He.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Oh Happy Day!

I turned 31 today! That sounds really old. And I have two (almost) kids and a mortgage. I can't believe I'm "in my 30s"...feels weird to say. I've heard folks say that they would do anything to go back to high school (um, vomit?!) or college (nope), but I can honestly say that I am completely content right where I am.

This summer, I found myself walking through our yard in the heat, following a toddler son, dodging dogs, and toting around a robust belly. I had a momentary thought: "Wow, so this is my life....sweaty, pregnant, and working to pay the bills". I remember when I wasn't sure if I wanted kids. And I planned to live in a big city. (I have since learned that I am a country girl at heart.) And I was going to travel, travel, travel! I quickly realized, however, that I am truly happy where I am. Sweaty and pregnant, working hard, and seemingly tired alot of the time....doesn't matter. There's a quote from a Jack Johnson song that sums it up perfectly:

We got everything
We need right here
And everything we need is enough.
Just so easy...when the whole world fits inside of your arms
Don't really need to pay attention to the alarm...


My whole world DOES fit in my arms. Maybe not all at once, but my "world" consists of Chris, T, baby girl, parents, and dogs. I would live in a box with all those things and be okay. I would miss my bed and tv. And my coffee maker. Okay, so it would have to be a big box. And a box with electricity :)

Seriously, what a day full of blessings straight from God. Trafton woke up in a happy mood and invited me to join him in his crib. Why, of course I'd love to haul my huge self over the side of your crib to snuggle. Don't mind if I do. After a few minutes together, I took him to Miss Angela's house, only to discover a homemade "happy birthday" sign on the door from their family and flowers waiting for me inside.

When I got to school, I found out that Debbie had gone above and beyond to celebrate this day with our grade level. After leaving her house at 5:40 am (yes, that early), she went to Krisy Kreme, Bojangles, and even had a coffee ready for me when I walked in to school. That's what I'm talking 'bout :)

Several sweet cards from friends and students, texts and voicemails from special people. And finally, a yummy dinner with some of my very favorite people in the world. I'm so encouraged by the kindness shown to me today; hopefully I can pay it forward.










Wednesday, September 5, 2012

I haven't had time to write much recently, but today just felt like one of those days. SO much to celebrate- little things and bigger things...

First off, today is a special day. My "FMM" (Fort Mill Mama) turns 25! Um, yes, math folks, I'm kidding about the age. But Debbie's birthday is today and I can't wait to celebrate her. I know that on Sept. 5th, God thought to himself, I need a spunky, kind-hearted, uber-generous lady who is beautiful inside and out. And then he created my assistant.

One of my kindergarten mamas from last year came to visit yesterday. It was so nice to look up and see her happy face in my room! She popped in just to say "hi" and to tell us that she would come help us if she had the time. Nevermind copying and all that mess- I was just glad to see her. I have gotten the sweetest emails and texts from other mamas- just checking in on our family and on baby girl's arrival.

We still don't have a name for the baby that's on the way, speaking of which. Doesn't sound like something to celebrate, but it IS to me. I've always been a control-freak. It's entertaining and abnormal for me to laugh at the fact that I am almost 34 weeks pregnant and I don't even know her name yet. With Trafton, I had prayed for him by name and had every little thing ready. With this sweet baby, I just feel a sense of peace. She WILL come, she WILL be loved by our family, and she WILL be taken care of. Maybe we'll give her a name when we see her precious face.

After the torrential rainstorm last night, a water main broke in Fort Mill. So...no water = day off for us! Only a few days in to the school year, and already we are given the gift of a day off. (Or cursed with a 'make up day', depending on how you look at it.) Personally, I'm glad to be home with my little boy and my big boy. We have stuff to clean and errands to run; I'm happy to do them, as long as I'm with my boys.

Trafton is learning his letters. When we ask him what his name starts with, he shouts out "T!" He also told me that daddy started with D. Granted, those may be the only two letters he knows. But I can live with that. We're still working on saying "please" and "thank you". BUT- he has learned "please" in sign language and he's using it when he asks for something. And imagine my amazement when I went to wipe his nose the other day and he blew. That's right- blew his nose into the tissue! Ahh, the little victories are so sweet. He's a smart cookie (and a darn cute one at that).

Last, but not least, my husband is the man. He met me at the car yesterday with an umbrella when I got home and said he didn't want me running in the rain. Also got home to supper in the crock pot. We have our struggles, but he makes me feel so loved.

Thanking God for this day.  :)

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Hardening My Heart

'For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in,   I  needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ (Matt. 25:35-36)

Our lives have been turned upside down, I feel like, within the last few weeks. A friend of mine posted a picture of a dog on "death row" (i.e. due to be euthanized).  Normally, when I see pictures like this on facebook, commercials, etc. I quickly look away or change the channel. Call me a chicken, tell me I'm avoiding the issue, I don't care. For someone who hates to see animals in distress, those types of images are tortuous. I imagine Chris' eye-rolling-head-shaking-no reaction when I bring up the question of additional animals in our home, and this helps me to quickly dismiss the idea.

However, when I saw this dog's picture, something stuck with me. My initial thought was WOW, how sad that this life that God created has been reduced to a mug shot of sorts before this poor guy faces lethal injection. My second thought was the usual, "we have room!" I showed Chris and he did not immediately say no. Thinking this was odd, I pushed the dog to the back of my brain but definitely did not stop thinking about him.  About a week after seeing his face, Chris and I made our FIRST trip up to animal control. He was somewhat interested in us, but didn't go out of his way to interact. You could tell he was in bad shape (having come in as a "stray"); nonetheless, he knew how to work that doggy magic. He has perfected his pitiful face, and even gave Chris a close-up when he laid his chin in Chris' lap.

We explained our situation to the ladies at the desk, and they encouraged us to bring our dogs up to visit. We could even bring Trafton. This way, we'd be able to get a picture of his temperament and how he'd get along with others. So we did just that. Our first visit was with Tank (great dane/mastiff mix) and Brutal (lab mix). We took all three of them for a walk in the park. I think I had to lean backwards at a 45 degree angle just to brace myself against the new dog's strength. (An entertaining picture, I'm sure, as my pregnant belly stuck out even further and tagged along behind him.) The dogs did fine together on neutral ground. But, as we'd soon discover, being on their own territory would prove to be an issue for our furry kids.

Our next visit was just with Trafton and the dog. I will admit that watching as the dog approached made me a bit apprehensive. But when he walked up to T. and licked him in the face, I realized that he was just eager for attention. Trafton loves any "di-di" (doggy in toddler speak), so he was thrilled to meet a new buddy.

Now we were truly in a pickle. As my husband likes to say, "We need another dog like we need a hole in the head." Truly, we have animals galore at our house, a toddler, and a baby on the way. We sat on this decision for weeks- literally. His face haunted me, and each day I'd wonder if he was still alive. Finally, we visited one last time, only to discover that it was his last day being alive. They were giving him the morning and by that evening, this baby would be put down. Well, you can guess what happened. Chris handed over the debit card to the ladies and arranged for us to pick him up the next day.

I would love to say that everything has been rainbows and warm fuzzies since then, but I would be lying. Instead, we brought him home only to discover that Tank, our big baby (literally!) has trouble accepting outsiders into his pack and onto HIS turf. This is what a dog trainer actually told us after many stressful days and nights of refereeing and juggling who's inside, who's outside, etc. It's taken crazy interventions to try and unite these two. I will say, in defense of "Petey", our animal control friend: he has not initiated any aggressive behaviors. He has been playful and loving. Our great dane is just simply having issues. Apparently, they are a very insecure breed of dog and lack self-confidence. Who would've thought a big ol' beast like him would be nervous and fearful of something smaller?!

So here's where we stand: both Chris and I have fallen for this new dog. We do not want to see him go and leave our family. Petey responds to voice commands like sit and lie down. He walks well on a leash and is incredibly loving and loyal. All he wants is a family. Time is our enemy: the vet and the dog trainer estimated approximately 3 months until their testosterone dies down and Tank calms down about the new "intruder". We don't have 3 months. I will be holding an infant by then, and Lord knows I can't juggle a toddler, an infant, and two disgruntled doggies on my own when Chris is at work.

I know some folks will say that what we did was dumb. Why in the world did we even approach animal control? Why did we adopt this dog in spite of having others? And in spite of being pregnant? (And not just "how exciting, first trimester "pregnant....no, we're talking "big mama, belly button poking out, worn slap out" pregnant.) I don't have an answer. I do know that when the Lord speaks, you follow. When he places something into my heart and my mind, I am to respond. However, I have also learned a different lesson: I need to harden my heart. Chris said to me, "You can't save 'em all and life's not all rainbows and butterflies". He is right. I will have to learn to look away sometimes, but it's so hard.
We saved the life of one of God's creatures and I'm thankful that He has awarded us some time with Petey. But He may have other plans for this dog. If you are at all interested in adding a sweet, loyal, fuzzy companion to your "pack", will you let me know?

Sunday, July 29, 2012

A Hot Mess

Once I had a little one, life became more difficult. And not just in the ways you'd expect. Yes, there are sleep-deprived nights, toddler tantrums (story of my life recently, it seems), and TONS of anxiety. For me, it's not just anxiety about Trafton. That's where most of it originates- Trafton's schedule, his naps, his behavior, etc. But also anxiety about myself:

- My role as a mother....am I nurturing enough? Do I lose my cool too quickly? Am I going to make it with a toddler and an infant?!

Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him. (Psalm 127:3)
Lord, thank you for this gift, this reward. I pray for patience and wisdom to appreciate my children and let them teach ME. And if I look clueless while I'm at it, oh well.

- My role as a wife...do I truly love my husband the way that he deserves? Do I love him the way that the Lord wants me to? Sometimes I feel like I'm doing the best I can, and other days I fail miserably at this. Chris and I are such separate souls; at times, it is hard to understand each other and move forward. Somehow, though, God weaves us together to carry out the jobs He has for our family. So I may not succeed as a wife each day, but I am trying. (And Chris has endless patience with me.)
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor. If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. (Eccles. 4:9-10)

- My role as a believer...am I putting God first, before all my own selfishness, before all of my own insecurities? During our service today, I was struck by the pastor's underlying message. He encouraged us that the Lord looks at more than outward appearances. Using 1 Samuel 16:1-13, he spoke of a prophet named Samuel who is called to anoint the next king. God directs him to the sons of Jesse, all of which appear physically flawless. Strong and beautiful, but NOT the ones that God has chosen. Then here comes David, the "runt" of all Jesse's sons. Despite his small stature and bright-eyed naivety, Samuel immediately acknowledges him as the next king. God reminds him,
Looks aren't everything....God judges differently than humans do. Men and women look at the face; God looks into the heart. (1 Samuel 16:7)

For someone who has long-standing issues with appearance, this was like a smack in the face (a good smack). I've seen his verse before, and I have grown up hearing such advice. "Don't judge a book by it's cover", etc. I don't want to get into details, but I have battled certain demons for half of my life. Demons that swim in my insecurities and twist any and everything to bring me down. My body image has always been poor. For a while, I just plain lost control. There's not really a better way to explain it. I had no trouble loving others who were different; it didn't matter what they looked like.  But when it came to myself, I was an awful critic. Slowly, I've learned that God really does judge us differently.

In regards to money and material things, my father-in-law used to say "You can't take it with you". Meaning, when we meet Jesus, we won't be packing a fat wallet. I think this applies to our bodies as well. Our bodies are a shell for our souls. When we meet Jesus, we won't be showing off our muscular, skinny physique. Nope, He's going to look deeper. He's going to ask us to consider the work and the service that we've done for Him. I could weight 1,000 pounds and have a mustache and one eye. But if I'd loved others and given my life for God's glory?

"Right on, my child," He's going to say. "I'm proud of you and you have succeeded."

I may be a hot mess by the world's standards, but I am a beautiful mess according to His.

Friday, June 29, 2012

Southern Living

I went to visit my momma today. On the way down, I listened to some country. I go through music kicks; for weeks, I will only listen to 91.9 or contemporary Christian. Then I'll switch it up and add some motown or maybe some classic, old-school rock. I haven't been into country recently, but I just finished two books about cowboys, Texas rangers, and country living. Thus, I sort of fell back into the southern/country trend.

I listened to a couple of songs that got me thinking about being southern. More than that, growing up as a southern girl. There is something about being born and raised down south. I feel like there are certain things that define most of us. Sure, there are things that have happened (or sadly, are still happening) in our region: racism, discrimination, poverty, and LAWD let's not talk about today's heat wave. (108 degress in Columbia. Seriously?!) First, I want to clear up some misconceptions about southern girls. We are not all racist, we do not all fly the confederate flag in our front yard, and we don't all drive around with curlers in our hair and a Salem light hangin' out of our mouth.

The beautiful thing about the women that I know (southern or not) is the variety. It is amazing to compare and contrast all women and their personalities. So what does define us G.R.I.T.S.? There are a few things, in my opinion.

  • Let's talk vocabulary and level of intelligence. I might not be the brightest candle on the cake, but I believe I can hold my own when reading, writing, and speaking. I might use the words "y'all" or "baby" quite frequently, but these are logical grammatical choices :) Y'all is a valid contraction: you + all. And baby actually has multiple uses: it may refer to my small child, my significant other, or someone who's been hurt (i.e. "poor baby").  Phrases like "Bless her heart" or "Thank you, Jesus!" also come out quite a bit. To me, these phrases are pretty self-explanatory. Bless her heart = God, bless that poor girl. Give her some direction/insight/help. Thank you, Jesus = Thank you for helping us, Lord/ Glad that's over/ We are blessed.

  • Forget a man driving a BMW, Mercedes, or some other luxury vehicle. I'll take a man in a truck any day. And a man who can fix things or build things? Even better. A man who can aim and shoot a gun? Thank you, Jesus! Seriously, I love my husband's sense of family and heritage. I love how he plays the tough guy role with our son, but he melts when Trafton gives him hugs or kisses. I secretly love the farmer's tan that he gets when he works and sweats outside all day. He came home the other day with tan/dirty legs and stark white feet. To me, this symbolizes self-motivation and a desire to work and finish things. You know that Chesney song, She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy? That's some southern truth right there, y'all :)

  • What else makes me thankful that I was born and raised in the south? The food. I'm not a picky eater. There is something about southern, home cooking that makes you feel good. Why else would it be called "comfort food"? It's really sad when you have the number for Lizard's Thicket memorized; when you can call on your way in to town and pick up southern cookin' for you and your family. I'm not one for deep-fried Snickers or Oreos or any of that mess. (Someone actually told me that the fair offers deep-fried butter now. BUTTER?! Seriously, that's sick.) But I can put away some home-cooked veggies, fried flounder, and tea.

  • Southern women are well-rounded. Remember that variety I mentioned? Some of us possess quite varied interests. I grew up dancing. I loved hairbows and cute outfits in school, but I would build a tree house or a fort with my brother in a skinny minute. I would literally take in ANY wounded animal (or human, for that matter) if my bank account could afford it. But if someone takes advantage of me or someone that I love? We'll just say it can get ugly. I like to decorate our home and shop, but I like shooting a gun and riding on the four-wheeler. I LOVE my God and His word, but I'm not going to snub you if you're not so sure about it. I may not want to live your lifestyle, but Lord knows I'm done my fair share of sinning. So I'm just gonna keep on loving you and hope that you do the same for me.

  • Our ability to make fun our ourselves. Jeff Foxworthy was born and raised in Georgia. His portrayal of southerners is hysterical. Here are a few of his "You Might Be a Redneck If..." declarations:
You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.
You ever cut your grass and found a car.
You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
You ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
You see no need to stop at a rest stop 'cause you have an empty milk jug.
You consider the fifth grade you senior year.


You think suspenders are a type of shirt.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?"

Hmmm, would love to say that none of these apply to us, but....well, yeah. I'm sure the dog catcher would be a little intimidated coming to our home. And you can definitely hear my husband's truck coming around the corner before you can see it. And the last one? GUILTY.

The bottom line is that I LOVE where I am from. I know that when Chris looks at me, he sees a strong, intelligent, somewhat feisty female. I know that my daddy looks at me and sees his baby girl. I am protected and loved, but also respected. I have sisters and friends who I love dearly. I see and hear so many folks knock the south and southern living- whether it be on facebook, in movies, or on television. There are folks who complain about the way we do things once they move down south. We must be doing something right- people just keep on coming. And if you are that unhappy with the southern way of life? Maybe you should move somewhere else, hon'.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Daddy's Day

Today we celebrate the men in our lives! I know so many great fathers, but David Lee is the epitome of a good daddy. He is special to me for so many reasons...

I am a self-admitted "daddy's girl". I would love to say I'm not spoiled, but I'd be lying and Christopher would probably call me out on it. Actually, I consider "spoiled" to mean that you are given much but don't recognize or appreciate it. I may have been spoiled back-in-the-day, but as I've grown up, I have realized more and more all that my daddy did for us and all that he sacrificed. My dad has always provided for me and my brother, but not necessarily in the way you'd expect. Yes, we grew up with toys and other gifts. But it's more than that. We share a sense of humor and our level (or lack) of patience. He gave us wonderful memories and experiences that we will never forget. He modeled what a husband should be to a wife; I learned what to expect from the man that I married.

My daddy is sensitive. He can crack a joke or tease with the best of 'em, but he can also hold your hand and make you feel better during some tough times. When I was in labor with Trafton, I remember desperately wanting my dad. Once he arrived at the hospital, I remember laying on the hospital bed and having contractions with Chris on one side and my daddy on the other.
This is the day that Trafton smiled for the first time. And who else would he be smiling at?!
Why PAPA, of course.
Here's that sense of humor in play.
Hmm. Don't really need to describe this one.

While he's sensitive, loving, and forgiving, my dad is also one tough cookie. Countless marathons under his belt, daily workouts, and a soldier for God. A few years ago, I decided that I wanted to run a full marathon. During the weeks and weeks of training, I found myself wondering what I'd done. Some training runs felt great, while others were awful. Some days I thought, 'I got this. I can do it.' While other days, self-doubt filled my brain.
On race day, I was a nervous wreck. Daddy and I woke early, shared toast and coffee, and then came up with a distraction for the day. Instead of focusing on the pain, we focused on the 26 names that we wrote on our arms. Each mile, we'd pray for and share stories about the 26 individuals who we agreed on.
I never "hit the wall" or stopped to walk, and I KNOW that this was because of two reasons:
1. God is faithful and steps in when we cannot finish things alone
and
2. My daddy did everything he could to encourage, push, and love me to the finish line.
And it worked.

One of my favorite things about my daddy is his desire to help people. Whether it's his own family or a complete stranger, he would literally give the shirt off of his back if someone needed it.
(He might grumble while doing so, but he'd still offer it.)

Strong, generous, accepting, loving....Christopher has some big shoes to fill as the man in my life :)


Friday, June 8, 2012

Makin' Music

This morning we went to our first "Kindermusic" class: myself, Trafton, and Nana (my mom). I was apprehensive before we even left. T is a little over 19 months old, so I know that he loves to explore and he does NOT love to sit still. (Unless, of course, he is looking at trucks or reading one of his favorite books.)

There were 7 kids there today, all with their mamas. It was a diverse group in more ways than one: ages ranged from 6 months old to an older sibling who was probably around 6 years old. The room was also filled with different skin colors and different abilities. One little boy was adopted and was hearing-impaired. Be still my heart! I had to stop myself from staring at him out of amazement and love.

My worries grew at first while I watched all the other children- how they sat with their mothers and remained quiet as others filtered in. Meanwhile, my curious son greeted everyone by walking right up, staring at them, and sometimes smiling.

I thought...no, I HOPED that once the instructor started to speak and sign (it was a singing and sign language class) Trafton would stop exploring and wandering, and instead sit and listen. Ha! I was a tad bit embarrassed as he continued to check everyone out and make his way around the room. Every so often, he would return to me, squeal "Mama!" and fall into my arms. Other than that, my little independent explorer was doing his thing. I tried to hard to let him "be free", but my inner kindergarten teacher was about to pop when he refused to sit on the carpet and listen. I had to draw the line and get him once he discovered the instructor's doorstop. It was one of those springy types, the kind that you kick or move and it springs back in position with a loud, vibrating "BBBBOOOOOIIIINNNGGGG" sound. Yep, right in the middle of the teacher's chat with the mamas, Trafton discovered this fun, new "toy". He sprung into action (no pun intended) and several heads turned as the sound echoed through the room. He quickly stood up straight, looked right at me, and smiled. It was as if he was proudly declaring, look what I found mama!

My fears lessened as other children slowly loosened up and begun to explore and wander. Despite the physical limitations of some, each child responded in his own way to teddy bears, scarves, balls, and singing. By the end of our time together, children were rolling, crawling, or running every which way.

I have to say: when the instructor dumped several teddy bears in the middle of our circle and let the kids have at it, Trafton made sure that each child had one. He quickly picked one up and I thought 'oh no, I hope he'll share'. Well, my little man sure showed me. Not only did he share the first bear that he picked up, he proceeded to give all the smaller children a teddy. He even picked up one of the last teddy bears and gave it back to the instructor. This sharing might seem like a small victory to some, but I'll take it! I love that he wanted to take care of others' needs.

When it was time to clean up, Trafton continued to make me proud. He stopped playing and began picking things up to hand to the teacher. (Yes, he had a hard time giving up the bag of cheerios that she gave us to play with, but who can blame him?!)

My favorite part of the class?? During the teddy bear song, all the children held a bear and we sang a song and learned some sign language to go along. Once finished, the children were allowed to play and explore with the bears a little more. Liam, the young black child who had been adopted, made his way over the us on the rug. Along with hearing impairment, Liam obviously had some physical limitations as well. Walking was difficult, so he crawled over to Trafton. I asked Trafton to give his bear a kiss. (Background info: T. loves to kiss and hug. "Kisses" involve pursing his lips together and making a humming sound). After my son kissed the bear, he held it out to Liam for him to have a chance to love on the bear. Liam leaned over and pushed his face against the bear and smiled. I think a little precious drool also came out- I LOVED IT. I thought my hormonal behind was going to burst into tears.

Not sure who go more out of the class- T. or his mama :)

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful women out there! I just want to share some of the most influential and lovely ladies in my life. They have been such blessings to me in so many ways. It's hard to put into words.

My mom, Carol: She is probably the most patient person that I know. Not kidding. She puts up with so much crud from us, it's kind of ridiculous. I would love to say that I have always stood up for her or defended her from the teasing and ridiculing. But, in truth, I was one of the worst culprits growing up. I still think about things I did or said to my mom when I was younger and phew....let's just say that Trafton would get a serious beating from his daddy if he ever said them to me. She is so smart and so good at what she does for a living; she takes her time with patients at work and sacrifices her own time at home to make sure that people are taken care of. It doesn't stop there though. When she gets home, she continues to put others' needs before her own.

Mema: This is my dad's mom, who passed away several years ago. Even though she's gone, I still feel a connection to her. Not to get all freaky, but sometimes I can almost feel her spark and spirit inside of myself. My daddy once told me that I remind him alot of Mema. This is one of the best things anyone has ever said to me. She didn't take crap from anyone, but she loved people. She loved to sing and dance and just be silly.

Jenn: This is one of my dearest friends who now lives in Greenville. If it were up to me, they would live in our spare bedroom. I hate that she is far away. There are so many times where I am happy about something or in tears and upset when I think "I wish Jenn were here. She would understand." Chris will testify: he hears me say I miss her constantly and he is amazed by the voicemails that we leave each other. You know when you leave a 2 minute long message on someone's phone and you actually start asking them questions? Then you remember that it's a voicemail and it can't talk back? Yeah, that's the kind that we leave each other. Between babies and work, it's hard for us to get in touch alot of the time. But whether it's venting about our husbands, comparing notes on children, or just catching up, I always know that I can say anything to her and she will understand and not judge. I love her, her family, and her parents dearly.

Angela:  I have written about this sweet lady before, but I can't say enough about her and her family. Even though they just recently came into our lives, Chris/Trafton/I are so thankful for them. Angela takes care of T. three days a week, but has also become one of my closest friends. I love to bounce things off of her and get mommy advice. She faithfully prays for us and is so understanding when I have to switch days on her or leave Trafton late into the afternoon. And I can't describe how much we value Angela and Terry as a couple. Terry can make us laugh until our sides hurt. So not only did God give us a great sitter, we also were blessed with a family of friends too.

Susan: This sweet lady was my Young Life leader in high school. I know that God would have gotten His hands on me one way or another, but Susan played a HUGE part in it. He used her patience and love to really speak to me. She took me to a Young Life camp when I was 15 and I discovered redemption through Jesus. It was exciting and confusing all at one time, but Susan would sit and answer my questions late into the night. Although we don't talk alot anymore, I still have such a deep love and appreciation for her leading me to Christ.

Debbie: I am honored to work with this lady every day. Last week, Debbie had to miss three days because her oldest son was graduating college. (Yay, JJ!) I had a terrific sub, but I missed my mama :) You know when you laugh so hard that it hurts OR you laugh until no sound comes out? That's what she makes me do sometimes. On the flip side, I have cried to her and her eyes well up with empathy. She is so understanding and so NONjudgemental. She is just the kind of person that I need working alongside me in my classroom.

Joy: Have you ever seen the movie "Monster In Law"? Jane Fonda plays a conniving, vicious mother in law who refuses to let go of her son and refuses to love his new wife. Yeah, this is pretty much the opposite of Joy. She not only cares for Chris and Trafton, she also cares for me. She is soft-spoken and a wonderful listener (um, the opposite of me! I am trying to learn from her.) and she truly has a servant's heart. Each day when I pick Trafton up, she always asks me how I'm feeling or how my day was. And she's not asking to be nice; she truly cares and wants to hear. She folds our laundry (one of my LEAST favorite things to do) and washes dishes (I hate stoneware....why can't they make some that runs through the dishwasher?!) for us.

Thank you, Lord, for placing these special mamas in my life. I hope some of their goodness will rub off on me. :)

Sunday, May 6, 2012

So it's 7:00 am and I already have a disgusting image stuck in my brain. This, I'm afraid, is going to be a nasty blog. I try to stay positive and celebrate God's blessings when I write, but I'm going to have to vent a little bit...

A friend of mine at school was telling me the other day how she is a magnet for animals: the lost, the hurt, the rejected....she just seems to want them all. She's not the only one. For those of you who know us, you know that I am constantly begging Chris for a slew of animals.
Goats- so they can eat the grass and he won't have to cut it. Duh!
Horses- so we can ride and love them
Cows- I love their sweet eyelashes and I want to raise one from a calf
Otters- yes, I realize that this is bizarre. I can't resist their cute, whiskered faces. All I'd need is a pond out back....not too much to ask, right?!
Ducks- they would share the otters' pond, of course.

The point is, I am very similar to my friend. I will donate to the ASPCA and Humane Society in hopes of helping animals.  I will pick up strays and beg to give them a home. I will cry when it appears that animals are hurt on a movie. I will call my trooper of a husband at 7:00 am and ask him to drive and move the turtle that I saw in the road on my way to work. (And yes, he will sometimes agree to it. That's why I love him.) I used to cry when my mom would kill bugs in our house, insisting instead that she place them outside. And I still encourage my kids at school to take them outdoors instead of squishing them. It gets extreme, but my line of thinking is this:

God has created EVERYTHING on earth and we are to respect it. He has created all of mankind, but also all of the little creatures. In the old testament, he does place us in charge of animals and grants us the right the eat some of them. He does not grant us the right to take advantage of them or mistreat them.

Yes, my husband is a deer hunter. I realize that this might seem a bit hypocritical for me to be preaching about caring for animals while he shoots them. He has not been hunting in quite a while, which I am silently celebrating :) But I don't tell him not to go, because I know it's something that HE enjoys. I even went with him once in our early dating days. I'm not gonna lie: I loved getting up early and going to get coffee and breakfast at Hardee's while it was still dark outside. I LOVED spending the day with him and watching him all decked out in camo. And I loved putting on my own snake boots that he purchased for me (ahh, redneck love!) and holding a gun to see what it felt like. I also had a realization while I was with him: Chris is respectful of animals and follows the rules when it comes to hunting. He does nothing illegally and He obeys God by bringing home the meat to eat. There are no deer head trophies in our home, and he doesn't flaunt the fact that he is able to kill something. He hates to see animals suffer too, which is why I know that he hunts for the right reasons.

So back to the disturbing image that I came across while drinking coffee this morning. Read the following:
As that dog lay on the ground fighting for air, Quanis Phillips grabbed its front legs and Michael Vick grabbed its hind legs. They swung the dog over their heads like a jump rope then slammed it to the ground. The first impact didn’t kill it. So Phillips and Vick slammed it again. The two men kept at it, alternating back and forth, pounding the creature against the ground, until at last, the little red dog was dead."- This is who Nike chooses to support and endorse. So I'm done supporting them. I can't even imagine shaking a hand with so much blood on it, much less putting money in it.See More
 
Um, yeah. I can't express the anger and disgust that enters my mind when I read this. I know that as a believer I'm not supposed to hate. But my dislike for Vick and those who dogfight comes mighty close to hatred. Karma can be a wicked thing; Revenge is left up to God and I hope that one day these evil people encounter a fiery storm of judgment from Him. Thankfully, the Lord also reminds me that He knows everyone's heart. Perhaps Michael Vick has realized the error of his ways and has asked for forgiveness. I have no right to judge him or anyone else, but that doesn't erase the fact that he commited the unspeakable to other living creatures. I don't want to support or like him, and I certainly do not like the fact that he injured countless defenseless animals and is allowed to play football again. Our society is so twisted, but that's a whole 'nother blog.
 
Here is my suggestion: If you beat a dog till it's death, the same will be done to you. If you choose to electrocute an animal, purposely injure an animal, or throw an animal out of a moving vehicle, the same will be done to you. When you cause unimaginable pain and do so intentionally to something so innocent, the same will be done to you. And by the way, when you take pleasure in hurting one of God's defenseless creations, doesn't that make you a bit psychotic?! In my opinion, you have some big issues.
 
 
 
 

Friday, April 20, 2012

Goodbyes

I know that sounds like the cheesiest title ever, but I've been thinking about saying goodbye to certain people in my life recently. I know that alot of folks don't say goodbye. Instead, they choose to say 'see ya later'. But the fact remains: situations and circumstances change, and sometimes I find myself wondering why God's plan has to involve putting extra space between me and the ones I love.

One of my dearest friends is leaving Fort Mill and moving because she got a teaching job in her hometown. She is from Columbia like me, but ironically we did not meet until we were both teaching up here. Over the past two years, she has become like a sister to me. I swear I think we share a brain. She is one of those friends that I feel like I don't have to explain things, or (even better!) she will finish my sentence for me. Agreeing on something, venting about things, celebrating or crying over things can really forge a bond between two people. I feel like she and I have done alot of this over the past couple of years. One morning, a few weeks ago, I got to school and had an email from my friend: Are you in your room?  (Non-teachers, you may laugh at the fact that we work in the same building and yet we email each other before visiting...if you walked those halls twenty times a day, you would do it too!)

Anyway, I read her email and immediately felt something in the pit of my stomach. My first thought was 'uh-oh'. My classroom is at the opposite end of the school, away from the parking lot. My friend's room is on my way out the door. Therefore, I am usually the one visiting/stalking her. When she asked me about visiting, I just knew something was up. When she told me the news- that she would be leaving- I can honestly say that I felt joy for her. I know that she is anxious to feel settled somewhere and I think her heart has been pulling her towards home. After the short joyful celebration in my head, the sad panic settled in my heart. I think I sobbed in the hallway while blubbering, "I really AM happy for you!" It's difficult to imagine my life- both professional and personal- without this person being a few minutes away. We may not talk each day, but I feel such a connection, such a sisterhood, with this woman that it breaks my heart to say goodbye. But this is a time when God asks us to put the selfishness aside and remember that HIS plan is most important.

Along with saying goodbye to people, I hate to say goodbye to situations or things that make me happy. This school year is coming to a close in a few weeks, and it makes my heart heavy. Dont get me wrong: I am so excited about the summer. But what a year! To watch kindergarten students grow and change has been wonderful. More than that, I feel so supported and loved by so many of the parents. I hate to say goodbye to those relationships, but I know God will allow more to form in next year's classroom. I know that He will bless some 1st grade teachers with amazing parents and kids.

So, here's the part that makes the tears come. The end of the school year marks the end of my favorite year of teaching. After 8 years, I can truly say this has been the best for a variety of reasons. I have been waiting to teach kindergarten, so obviously the switch was exciting, new, and gratifying. More than that, I was given a year with the most dedicated, funny, slightly crazy woman that I know. Debbie has truly become my Fort Mill mama. She jokes that I am the daughter she never had, but in truth, our relationship does not feel far from that. I have known her for years, but this year has allowed us to form a bond, a partnership that has made me a better teacher and a better person.

Being in a room with another adult all day seemed intimidating at first. I wondered what she would think of my teaching style or how I talked to the kids. I also wondered how open I could be if I was celebrating something or having a hard day. Turns out, God gave me an angel with open arms. Y'all, I'm telling you- this woman never judges me. I have confessed things to her, shared stories with her, cried about things, and laughed until breathless with her. We've even sang/danced 'Chicka Chicka Boom Boom' together for the kids. She's planning to move in with my rainbow family in a few years. (Chris doesn't know this yet, but I don't think he'll mind.)

Makes me think of Ecclesiastes 3:

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
 a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

It is so difficult to trust God's timing, but He knows what He's doing.
May everything work out for HIS glory.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Glorious Chaos

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?
Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
Do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
(Matt. 6: 25, 27, 31-34)

On the way to work Friday, I felt tired. It was not even 8:00 in the morning, and I found myself already feeling worn out. It was a good worn out though. In the morning, I usually think about my upcoming day- school, where Trafton is, what the day will entail for all of our family. While driving that morning, it hit me: I am living day by day. This may sound obvious to some, but for me- a recovering control freak- it's pretty amazing. When Chris and I first started dating, I'd have plans for us for like the next two weeks. As a laidback, take-it-as-it-comes fella, it would drive him crazy. I would get irritable if things "sprung up" or if my plans were screwed up. Worst of all was when I would have to miss working out one morning. Like if my alarm clock did not go off or if something unexpected happened, watch out. I wanted to control what happened each day. If possible, I'd have my week mapped out: what I'd be doing, who I'd be seeing, what type of workout I would do each day.

How things change! I'd like to take the credit and say "Yeah, I've relaxed so much since having Trafton". I definitely think motherhood has changed me and helped me relax when things don't go my way. It has been a true learning experience, but also a GROWING experience from God. I feel like there are so many reasons He chose to make my little Trafton, but one big reason has to do with letting go and relying on God.

With children, there is no schedule for next week. Yes, you have the basics down: what days you'll work, plans to see family, or go out of town. Sometimes these things even get messed up. There's no spur-of-the-moment dates, long and consistent workouts, or leisurely shopping trips. Nope- traded that all in for snuggling with Chris after T. goes to bed and squeezing in some frantic workouts when I can get out of bed early enough. And shopping? We map out our trips and get out when we're done, especially if nap time is nearing.

The bottom line is I NEEDED to let go and change. I needed to stop planning and realize that I might only have this one day to live and celebrate. If I can't shop for new clothes for a while, oh well. If I can't fit in a workout because I'm spending time with my family, so be it. If I have to reorganize my week because of things that come up, then I'll do what I have to do. Our life is chaotic, but it's a glorious chaos.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Good Friday

I love this time of year. Trees start to bloom and new life sprouts up everywhere. Chris and I were able to witness a new life growing inside my (BIG!) tummy yesterday. Our midwife, Jan, is one our family's angels. There are times that you feel such certainty that God ordains things; meeting Jan was one of those times for us. While visiting her yesterday, I learned that I am about 12 weeks pregnant. This is was reassuring because 1) there's a reason my midsection is already quite large, and 2) our second little one is 12 weeks old and growing stronger day by day.

With Trafton, we immediately heard his feisty little heartbeat. It never failed: at each visit, it was immediately heard, loud and persistent. (Hmmm, a sign of his little toddler personality now?!) When Jan first tried to find little baby's heartbeat yesterday, we couldn't hear a thing. Seconds felt like minutes and I almost started to cry. Just as I started to doubt, there it was! Jan and Chris both held my hands and I listened to that little bean's heart- strong and persistent. What a beautiful moment :)

Even though that was yesterday, I consider it part of the wonderful 24 hours I have had. Lunch with my husband yesterday (a rare treat) and then hearing the baby's precious heartbeat were just the beginning. My Friday has indeed been a GOOD FRIDAY. His blessings abound.

First and foremost, we will be celebrating Easter this weekend. I love this day- to me, it's a bigger "victory" or celebration for those who believe in and follow Jesus. It's a day that we are reminded, through scripture, song, and flowers blooming, that "the old has gone, the new has come" (2 Cor. 5:17).

Second, it's been such an awesome, relaxing day with my son. Chris is at work today, so it's just me and the little man.

- We've exercised. (I walked on the treadmill, while Trafton went down his slide or stood beside me and twisted back and forth.)

- We made a trip to Target to get food and special goodies for Easter :) I am so thankful that we have the money to pay for groceries and bills.

- I realized, 'hey, we get to decorate another baby's room'! My husband groans at the thought of this. I start browsing websites and catalogs, happily overwhelmed by different ideas.

- T. took a nap while I read outside in the sunshine. A little sunburnt, but I'll take it!

- We are now baking brownies and building train tracks. I've gotten a small taste of being a stay at home mama this week.

Lastly, we'll get to see lots of special people tomorrow. We'll spend most of the day with my parents, Trafton's Great Nini, and my uncle Tommy. We'll also see one of my best friends who (I am embarassed to say!) I have not seen before Christmas! I'll be delivering Easter love AND Christmas gifts tomorrow :)

Hope you all have a very special weekend!

Saturday, March 24, 2012

No More Excuses

Today has been an emotional, exhausting, and wonderful day. Chris and I left Trafton with his second family today (thank you, Emenhisers!) and traveled to Spartanburg for an adoption seminar. It was organized by America World Adoption; it was relatively small but powerful.

This morning, as I drank my crack (coffee), I read a devotion entitled "I know it's what I'm supposed to do, but..."

Mistake? I don't think so. It was all about how God speaks to us and we are to respond. We are to remain faithful to him and follow through when he nudges us forward.

As we drove, Chris and I talked about words. I am not shy about sharing personal thoughts with those I love. One reason: I like to profess things out loud. For instance, saying "We feel like we are supposed to adopt" is a public declaration of sorts. Until now, I was fearful of public opinion; I was scared someone would tell me I was a nut or stupid. I have recently realized that I don't really care if someone disagrees with us adopting or thinks it is a foolish move. In a way, we are asking those around us to hold us accountable. By telling others that we feel this calling, we are allowing ourselves to be questioned about it later. This is good for me- it keeps me focused. I'm NOT saying that we are to do everything we say we are going to do and do it perfectly. Rather, if GOD calls us to do something, we are to obey and act. By telling others, it becomes real. (Or it makes me feel like an idiot.)

So, back to the day. After arriving at the seminar, they started a video presentation. One of the verses was Proverbs 18:21: The tongue has the power of life and death. I almost laughed out loud, as we had JUST been talking about words and professing things out loud. Indeed, our tongue can hurt or help others. But it can also set us up for the future. Once I speak something, it's out there. Once I declare that God has spoken and I am following, I better do it.

For Chris, there were other words that hit him hardest. One of the speakers was a lady who was in the process of adopting. They had four boys of their own (she needs a medal) and they are getting ready to adopt from China. She openly explained that they were living in a way that didn't glorify God financially; they were not giving what they could to others. She told us that she read Crazy Love by Francis Chan (I LITERALLY slapped Chris at this point and squealed! This is one of my most favorite books in the world!) and it changed her life. Join the club, sister.
She said she realized "God doesn't bless us to keep the blessings all to ourselves. We are to give them away to others". Chris was hit hard by this. He told me later that those words made him SURE that this was our path. We may not have oodles of money put away, but we are given so much by our Lord. If we feel this calling, we are to respond. It is our responsibility.

Another couple spoke and let me tell you: this wife made me feel at ease. So I'm NOT crazy! And it IS possible! She was from Columbia originally (and a former second grade teacher) and her husband was from Rock Hill. They had their second little girl and she was 11 weeks old when this mommy heard God's whispers. She admitted that she wondered if she was crazy. But they started the paperwork and they are waiting on their little girl to come home now. When they asked me about countries that we were interested in, I professed to them, "I want a rainbow family!" Yeah, this is one of those times that I could potentially feel like an idiot. Instead of laughing, the husband shook his head, pointed to his wife, and said "Y'all need to hang out". Ha! She agreed with me that she too had always been interested in having a colorful family :)

God gave us a chance to spend time with brothers and sisters today. We were encouraged by their stories and it made my heart truly happy to know that there are other mamas out there feeling this way. Aside from wonderful fellowship, God used these folks to challenge us. This IS possible and it IS my plan for you.

These verses, from The Message, make me smile and gulp at the same time:

Rescue the perishing;
don't hesitate to step in and help.
If you say, "Hey, that's none of my business,"
will that get you off the hook?
Someone is watching you closely, you know—
Someone not impressed with weak excuses.

(Proverbs 24:12)

Lord, I am tired of excuses. I am tired of living safely and comfortably. I'm not saying that I'm going to sell our house and give all of our belongings away- although that is awesome if someone can do it. Instead, I am tired of my response to when God speaks.... 

Chris won't like that idea, God. I don't think I'll mention it to him.

Umm, I'm a public school teacher, God. Chris is a firefighter. We're not exactly millionaires.

We won't have enough bedrooms in our house if we adopt, God! It won't leave any bedrooms for guests.

People will think we're being careless or silly.

Okay, fine Lord. We'll adopt, but the child needs to be a certain age or from the country that WE choose. Oh, and maybe some minor special needs but nothing that takes us out of our comfort zone. 'Kay? Thanks.

The reality? He laughs at my excuses and my objections, knowing that He will get His way in the end. I cherish the baby growing inside me, and I worry about when we'll be able to adopt a child. He knows the timing and exactly how it will play out. He already knows exactly what child (children??) are going to share our home with us. They are going to be unbelievably beautiful and perfect in our eyes, and they are going to absolutely steal our hearts. 

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Change of plan

For those of you who don't know yet, God has given us a second little blessing that is due in October! It was not a total surprise, as we had JUST made the decision to try. We sure didn't think it would happen as quickly as it did though. I am thrilled to pieces and cannot wait to hold this little bundle, but I also felt a fraction of sadness when God confirmed the pregnancy. I realize that sounds horrible, but MY plan was in the works and I was disappointed that it was being interrupted. Let me explain.

Chris and I have recently decided that God wants our family to adopt. This has been a long and twisted road....we have vacillated between foster care and adoption. My husband was not interested in adoption at first. He actually told me that I wouldn't mention it for a couple of months and he would think it was over. Then I'd bring it up again and he'd think "Crap, she didn't forget." Ha! He should know better than that.

 Finally, he compromised and told me that we could look into foster care instead. I naively thought this might satisfy God's plan for our family and it would be good enough for my heart. Big negative. We went to an informational meeting and a few days later, I knew it was not right. Please don't get me wrong: I think foster care is a wonderful way to provide love and support for kids who need it.  But I would never be able to cut the heartstrings and sever a bond that I have made with a child. I would not be able to give them up easily. I confessed my feelings to Chris and he AGREED. He said that adoption was the way to go for our family. I think I about fell over.

Long story short, we have accepted and embraced the idea of God growing our family- by any means that He chooses :) We had actually connected with an agency and begun some of the paperwork involved in adoption. I had searched some of the available children online. (Note to prospective adoptive mommies: do not do this...big mistake.) One little boy's face appears in my mind at least once a day now, but I know that he cannot be ours right now. In the future? Maybe. But the thought of any child being possibly two years older by the time they come home to us is tortuous.

Thus.....I am celebrating and rejoicing at this new baby inside me! What a blessing. But, I am mourning the absence of what I thought was coming sooner. I feel like I am neglecting our other child- whoever and wherever he may be.

But- as always- God reminds me that HIS plan is perfect. His timing is what matters. He will grow and love on my babies- both near and far away.