Goodbyes

I know that sounds like the cheesiest title ever, but I've been thinking about saying goodbye to certain people in my life recently. I know that alot of folks don't say goodbye. Instead, they choose to say 'see ya later'. But the fact remains: situations and circumstances change, and sometimes I find myself wondering why God's plan has to involve putting extra space between me and the ones I love.

One of my dearest friends is leaving Fort Mill and moving because she got a teaching job in her hometown. She is from Columbia like me, but ironically we did not meet until we were both teaching up here. Over the past two years, she has become like a sister to me. I swear I think we share a brain. She is one of those friends that I feel like I don't have to explain things, or (even better!) she will finish my sentence for me. Agreeing on something, venting about things, celebrating or crying over things can really forge a bond between two people. I feel like she and I have done alot of this over the past couple of years. One morning, a few weeks ago, I got to school and had an email from my friend: Are you in your room?  (Non-teachers, you may laugh at the fact that we work in the same building and yet we email each other before visiting...if you walked those halls twenty times a day, you would do it too!)

Anyway, I read her email and immediately felt something in the pit of my stomach. My first thought was 'uh-oh'. My classroom is at the opposite end of the school, away from the parking lot. My friend's room is on my way out the door. Therefore, I am usually the one visiting/stalking her. When she asked me about visiting, I just knew something was up. When she told me the news- that she would be leaving- I can honestly say that I felt joy for her. I know that she is anxious to feel settled somewhere and I think her heart has been pulling her towards home. After the short joyful celebration in my head, the sad panic settled in my heart. I think I sobbed in the hallway while blubbering, "I really AM happy for you!" It's difficult to imagine my life- both professional and personal- without this person being a few minutes away. We may not talk each day, but I feel such a connection, such a sisterhood, with this woman that it breaks my heart to say goodbye. But this is a time when God asks us to put the selfishness aside and remember that HIS plan is most important.

Along with saying goodbye to people, I hate to say goodbye to situations or things that make me happy. This school year is coming to a close in a few weeks, and it makes my heart heavy. Dont get me wrong: I am so excited about the summer. But what a year! To watch kindergarten students grow and change has been wonderful. More than that, I feel so supported and loved by so many of the parents. I hate to say goodbye to those relationships, but I know God will allow more to form in next year's classroom. I know that He will bless some 1st grade teachers with amazing parents and kids.

So, here's the part that makes the tears come. The end of the school year marks the end of my favorite year of teaching. After 8 years, I can truly say this has been the best for a variety of reasons. I have been waiting to teach kindergarten, so obviously the switch was exciting, new, and gratifying. More than that, I was given a year with the most dedicated, funny, slightly crazy woman that I know. Debbie has truly become my Fort Mill mama. She jokes that I am the daughter she never had, but in truth, our relationship does not feel far from that. I have known her for years, but this year has allowed us to form a bond, a partnership that has made me a better teacher and a better person.

Being in a room with another adult all day seemed intimidating at first. I wondered what she would think of my teaching style or how I talked to the kids. I also wondered how open I could be if I was celebrating something or having a hard day. Turns out, God gave me an angel with open arms. Y'all, I'm telling you- this woman never judges me. I have confessed things to her, shared stories with her, cried about things, and laughed until breathless with her. We've even sang/danced 'Chicka Chicka Boom Boom' together for the kids. She's planning to move in with my rainbow family in a few years. (Chris doesn't know this yet, but I don't think he'll mind.)

Makes me think of Ecclesiastes 3:

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
 a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

It is so difficult to trust God's timing, but He knows what He's doing.
May everything work out for HIS glory.

Glorious Chaos

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?
Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
Do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
(Matt. 6: 25, 27, 31-34)

On the way to work Friday, I felt tired. It was not even 8:00 in the morning, and I found myself already feeling worn out. It was a good worn out though. In the morning, I usually think about my upcoming day- school, where Trafton is, what the day will entail for all of our family. While driving that morning, it hit me: I am living day by day. This may sound obvious to some, but for me- a recovering control freak- it's pretty amazing. When Chris and I first started dating, I'd have plans for us for like the next two weeks. As a laidback, take-it-as-it-comes fella, it would drive him crazy. I would get irritable if things "sprung up" or if my plans were screwed up. Worst of all was when I would have to miss working out one morning. Like if my alarm clock did not go off or if something unexpected happened, watch out. I wanted to control what happened each day. If possible, I'd have my week mapped out: what I'd be doing, who I'd be seeing, what type of workout I would do each day.

How things change! I'd like to take the credit and say "Yeah, I've relaxed so much since having Trafton". I definitely think motherhood has changed me and helped me relax when things don't go my way. It has been a true learning experience, but also a GROWING experience from God. I feel like there are so many reasons He chose to make my little Trafton, but one big reason has to do with letting go and relying on God.

With children, there is no schedule for next week. Yes, you have the basics down: what days you'll work, plans to see family, or go out of town. Sometimes these things even get messed up. There's no spur-of-the-moment dates, long and consistent workouts, or leisurely shopping trips. Nope- traded that all in for snuggling with Chris after T. goes to bed and squeezing in some frantic workouts when I can get out of bed early enough. And shopping? We map out our trips and get out when we're done, especially if nap time is nearing.

The bottom line is I NEEDED to let go and change. I needed to stop planning and realize that I might only have this one day to live and celebrate. If I can't shop for new clothes for a while, oh well. If I can't fit in a workout because I'm spending time with my family, so be it. If I have to reorganize my week because of things that come up, then I'll do what I have to do. Our life is chaotic, but it's a glorious chaos.

Good Friday

I love this time of year. Trees start to bloom and new life sprouts up everywhere. Chris and I were able to witness a new life growing inside my (BIG!) tummy yesterday. Our midwife, Jan, is one our family's angels. There are times that you feel such certainty that God ordains things; meeting Jan was one of those times for us. While visiting her yesterday, I learned that I am about 12 weeks pregnant. This is was reassuring because 1) there's a reason my midsection is already quite large, and 2) our second little one is 12 weeks old and growing stronger day by day.

With Trafton, we immediately heard his feisty little heartbeat. It never failed: at each visit, it was immediately heard, loud and persistent. (Hmmm, a sign of his little toddler personality now?!) When Jan first tried to find little baby's heartbeat yesterday, we couldn't hear a thing. Seconds felt like minutes and I almost started to cry. Just as I started to doubt, there it was! Jan and Chris both held my hands and I listened to that little bean's heart- strong and persistent. What a beautiful moment :)

Even though that was yesterday, I consider it part of the wonderful 24 hours I have had. Lunch with my husband yesterday (a rare treat) and then hearing the baby's precious heartbeat were just the beginning. My Friday has indeed been a GOOD FRIDAY. His blessings abound.

First and foremost, we will be celebrating Easter this weekend. I love this day- to me, it's a bigger "victory" or celebration for those who believe in and follow Jesus. It's a day that we are reminded, through scripture, song, and flowers blooming, that "the old has gone, the new has come" (2 Cor. 5:17).

Second, it's been such an awesome, relaxing day with my son. Chris is at work today, so it's just me and the little man.

- We've exercised. (I walked on the treadmill, while Trafton went down his slide or stood beside me and twisted back and forth.)

- We made a trip to Target to get food and special goodies for Easter :) I am so thankful that we have the money to pay for groceries and bills.

- I realized, 'hey, we get to decorate another baby's room'! My husband groans at the thought of this. I start browsing websites and catalogs, happily overwhelmed by different ideas.

- T. took a nap while I read outside in the sunshine. A little sunburnt, but I'll take it!

- We are now baking brownies and building train tracks. I've gotten a small taste of being a stay at home mama this week.

Lastly, we'll get to see lots of special people tomorrow. We'll spend most of the day with my parents, Trafton's Great Nini, and my uncle Tommy. We'll also see one of my best friends who (I am embarassed to say!) I have not seen before Christmas! I'll be delivering Easter love AND Christmas gifts tomorrow :)

Hope you all have a very special weekend!