Glorious Chaos

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?
Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
Do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
(Matt. 6: 25, 27, 31-34)

On the way to work Friday, I felt tired. It was not even 8:00 in the morning, and I found myself already feeling worn out. It was a good worn out though. In the morning, I usually think about my upcoming day- school, where Trafton is, what the day will entail for all of our family. While driving that morning, it hit me: I am living day by day. This may sound obvious to some, but for me- a recovering control freak- it's pretty amazing. When Chris and I first started dating, I'd have plans for us for like the next two weeks. As a laidback, take-it-as-it-comes fella, it would drive him crazy. I would get irritable if things "sprung up" or if my plans were screwed up. Worst of all was when I would have to miss working out one morning. Like if my alarm clock did not go off or if something unexpected happened, watch out. I wanted to control what happened each day. If possible, I'd have my week mapped out: what I'd be doing, who I'd be seeing, what type of workout I would do each day.

How things change! I'd like to take the credit and say "Yeah, I've relaxed so much since having Trafton". I definitely think motherhood has changed me and helped me relax when things don't go my way. It has been a true learning experience, but also a GROWING experience from God. I feel like there are so many reasons He chose to make my little Trafton, but one big reason has to do with letting go and relying on God.

With children, there is no schedule for next week. Yes, you have the basics down: what days you'll work, plans to see family, or go out of town. Sometimes these things even get messed up. There's no spur-of-the-moment dates, long and consistent workouts, or leisurely shopping trips. Nope- traded that all in for snuggling with Chris after T. goes to bed and squeezing in some frantic workouts when I can get out of bed early enough. And shopping? We map out our trips and get out when we're done, especially if nap time is nearing.

The bottom line is I NEEDED to let go and change. I needed to stop planning and realize that I might only have this one day to live and celebrate. If I can't shop for new clothes for a while, oh well. If I can't fit in a workout because I'm spending time with my family, so be it. If I have to reorganize my week because of things that come up, then I'll do what I have to do. Our life is chaotic, but it's a glorious chaos.