No More Excuses

Today has been an emotional, exhausting, and wonderful day. Chris and I left Trafton with his second family today (thank you, Emenhisers!) and traveled to Spartanburg for an adoption seminar. It was organized by America World Adoption; it was relatively small but powerful.

This morning, as I drank my crack (coffee), I read a devotion entitled "I know it's what I'm supposed to do, but..."

Mistake? I don't think so. It was all about how God speaks to us and we are to respond. We are to remain faithful to him and follow through when he nudges us forward.

As we drove, Chris and I talked about words. I am not shy about sharing personal thoughts with those I love. One reason: I like to profess things out loud. For instance, saying "We feel like we are supposed to adopt" is a public declaration of sorts. Until now, I was fearful of public opinion; I was scared someone would tell me I was a nut or stupid. I have recently realized that I don't really care if someone disagrees with us adopting or thinks it is a foolish move. In a way, we are asking those around us to hold us accountable. By telling others that we feel this calling, we are allowing ourselves to be questioned about it later. This is good for me- it keeps me focused. I'm NOT saying that we are to do everything we say we are going to do and do it perfectly. Rather, if GOD calls us to do something, we are to obey and act. By telling others, it becomes real. (Or it makes me feel like an idiot.)

So, back to the day. After arriving at the seminar, they started a video presentation. One of the verses was Proverbs 18:21: The tongue has the power of life and death. I almost laughed out loud, as we had JUST been talking about words and professing things out loud. Indeed, our tongue can hurt or help others. But it can also set us up for the future. Once I speak something, it's out there. Once I declare that God has spoken and I am following, I better do it.

For Chris, there were other words that hit him hardest. One of the speakers was a lady who was in the process of adopting. They had four boys of their own (she needs a medal) and they are getting ready to adopt from China. She openly explained that they were living in a way that didn't glorify God financially; they were not giving what they could to others. She told us that she read Crazy Love by Francis Chan (I LITERALLY slapped Chris at this point and squealed! This is one of my most favorite books in the world!) and it changed her life. Join the club, sister.
She said she realized "God doesn't bless us to keep the blessings all to ourselves. We are to give them away to others". Chris was hit hard by this. He told me later that those words made him SURE that this was our path. We may not have oodles of money put away, but we are given so much by our Lord. If we feel this calling, we are to respond. It is our responsibility.

Another couple spoke and let me tell you: this wife made me feel at ease. So I'm NOT crazy! And it IS possible! She was from Columbia originally (and a former second grade teacher) and her husband was from Rock Hill. They had their second little girl and she was 11 weeks old when this mommy heard God's whispers. She admitted that she wondered if she was crazy. But they started the paperwork and they are waiting on their little girl to come home now. When they asked me about countries that we were interested in, I professed to them, "I want a rainbow family!" Yeah, this is one of those times that I could potentially feel like an idiot. Instead of laughing, the husband shook his head, pointed to his wife, and said "Y'all need to hang out". Ha! She agreed with me that she too had always been interested in having a colorful family :)

God gave us a chance to spend time with brothers and sisters today. We were encouraged by their stories and it made my heart truly happy to know that there are other mamas out there feeling this way. Aside from wonderful fellowship, God used these folks to challenge us. This IS possible and it IS my plan for you.

These verses, from The Message, make me smile and gulp at the same time:

Rescue the perishing;
don't hesitate to step in and help.
If you say, "Hey, that's none of my business,"
will that get you off the hook?
Someone is watching you closely, you know—
Someone not impressed with weak excuses.
(Proverbs 24:12)

Lord, I am tired of excuses. I am tired of living safely and comfortably. I'm not saying that I'm going to sell our house and give all of our belongings away- although that is awesome if someone can do it. Instead, I am tired of my response to when God speaks.... 

Chris won't like that idea, God. I don't think I'll mention it to him.

Umm, I'm a public school teacher, God. Chris is a firefighter. We're not exactly millionaires.

We won't have enough bedrooms in our house if we adopt, God! It won't leave any bedrooms for guests.

People will think we're being careless or silly.

Okay, fine Lord. We'll adopt, but the child needs to be a certain age or from the country that WE choose. Oh, and maybe some minor special needs but nothing that takes us out of our comfort zone. 'Kay? Thanks.

The reality? He laughs at my excuses and my objections, knowing that He will get His way in the end. I cherish the baby growing inside me, and I worry about when we'll be able to adopt a child. He knows the timing and exactly how it will play out. He already knows exactly what child (children??) are going to share our home with us. They are going to be unbelievably beautiful and perfect in our eyes, and they are going to absolutely steal our hearts. 

Change of plan

For those of you who don't know yet, God has given us a second little blessing that is due in October! It was not a total surprise, as we had JUST made the decision to try. We sure didn't think it would happen as quickly as it did though. I am thrilled to pieces and cannot wait to hold this little bundle, but I also felt a fraction of sadness when God confirmed the pregnancy. I realize that sounds horrible, but MY plan was in the works and I was disappointed that it was being interrupted. Let me explain.

Chris and I have recently decided that God wants our family to adopt. This has been a long and twisted road....we have vacillated between foster care and adoption. My husband was not interested in adoption at first. He actually told me that I wouldn't mention it for a couple of months and he would think it was over. Then I'd bring it up again and he'd think "Crap, she didn't forget." Ha! He should know better than that.

 Finally, he compromised and told me that we could look into foster care instead. I naively thought this might satisfy God's plan for our family and it would be good enough for my heart. Big negative. We went to an informational meeting and a few days later, I knew it was not right. Please don't get me wrong: I think foster care is a wonderful way to provide love and support for kids who need it.  But I would never be able to cut the heartstrings and sever a bond that I have made with a child. I would not be able to give them up easily. I confessed my feelings to Chris and he AGREED. He said that adoption was the way to go for our family. I think I about fell over.

Long story short, we have accepted and embraced the idea of God growing our family- by any means that He chooses :) We had actually connected with an agency and begun some of the paperwork involved in adoption. I had searched some of the available children online. (Note to prospective adoptive mommies: do not do this...big mistake.) One little boy's face appears in my mind at least once a day now, but I know that he cannot be ours right now. In the future? Maybe. But the thought of any child being possibly two years older by the time they come home to us is tortuous.

Thus.....I am celebrating and rejoicing at this new baby inside me! What a blessing. But, I am mourning the absence of what I thought was coming sooner. I feel like I am neglecting our other child- whoever and wherever he may be.

But- as always- God reminds me that HIS plan is perfect. His timing is what matters. He will grow and love on my babies- both near and far away.

Legacy

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace
Who blessed Your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy
       (Nicole Nordeman)

On March 19th, three years ago, we said goodbye to my father-in-law. Reginald Trafton Cranford was a funny, faithful man. And he was a hero to my husband. I love that our son bears the name of BOTH of his grandaddies: DAVID for my dad and TRAFTON for Chris' daddy. Being named after these two awards him a remarkable responsibility: carrying out a legacy for both men.

I know that Chris misses his daddy terribly. There are times when Trafton will do something and we'll both comment on how we wish that Reg could see him. Trafton is funny, loving, and incredibly stubborn....those traits did not arrive out of nowhere. He inherited those from his daddy and grandpa! (Maybe mama too??)

My little boy is also not afraid to get dirty and he loves to be outside.Chris grew up farming; he tells me that he's been driving a tractor since he was in elementary school. I like to imagine him as a little boy. Rambuncous but respectful; silly but hardworking. Reg allowed them to be boys, but he also made Chris and his 2 brothers tow the line. Saturdays were for work; the boys were expected to pitch in and not complain about it. Adults were respected and help was given when needed. This has followed Chris into adulthood. The man can whip up a piece of furniture if he wants to....seriously. Right now, we have a huge entertainment stand being built in our garage. He built our son's crib. And I have to say, they are nearly perfectly. He doesn't skimp on the details. Reg instilled knowledge in his sons- knowledge of how to build houses and how to make a home. He taught them things that I will never know. (I'm still amazed when we drive down highways and backroads. Chris can name every crop that is planted while we're passing them, just by glancing out the window.)

At times, I complain that it takes him forever to finish certain projects, but he will get it done. And the reason it takes him time to finish things? He works 4 different jobs:  firefighter, construction/carpenter/electrician/mechanic, daddy, and husband. When I ask for his time, I get it. When I want his attention, I get it. Same goes for our son. He is attentive and loving with our child. He is dedicated to our family, and we've even had outsiders comment on his commitment. He came along to every single doctor's appointment when I was pregnant with T. Stayed in the room for exams and everything...now THAT is love. Specially when there are tears flowing (mine and my midwife's) and uncomfortable questions are being asked. That man takes it like a champ and jumps in on the conversation.

Reg, Joy, and their 3 boys went to church virtually every Sunday. Christopher remembers being on vacation and asking his daddy if they could skip church. When told no, Chris continued, "But dad! We're on vacation!" Reg's response? "God doesn't take a vacation. So neither do we." I love my husband's faith. It's long-standing and firm. He prays about things and gets our family to church to worship.

Most of all, Reg raised a remarkably LOYAL son in Christopher. Of course, I think all three brothers are wonderful. But I get to see and live inside of Chris' world each day. At our rehersal dinner, I spoke about his loyalty using an example from our early dating days. When I met Chris, I was on a rollercoaster. Didn't quite know who I was. I had the basics down (knew God, had a job, loved my family) but I was still searching for contentment with myself. Without getting into too many details, we'll just say I was a hot mess.

Early in our relationship, Chris came over one afternoon to find me upset and frazzled. I told him that I had some issues going on. I offered him an out by telling him that he didn't have to remain in the relationship if it was too much for him. Do you know what my hot, caring, future husband said to me?

"Baby," (said in a gruff, redneck accent) "How do you know God didn't put me here to go through this with you?"

That was it for me. I knew I was going to marry him. His love and loyalty were irresistible.

If Reg were alive today, I would tell him to rejoice in his family. He shaped and molded 3 strong sons. He has grandsons that are indescribably precious. And he was lucky enough to be married to one of the most godly women that I know. I hope that Chris and I will leave such a legacy after we're gone. I hope that God will smile at us and say, "Well done, good and faithful one."